Literate Perversions

Bullshit, Not Fertilizer

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Bullshit ProtectorsVFW member Bill Moyer came well- equipped to attend George W. Bush’s speech to a convention of the Veterans of Foreign Wars in Salt Lake City recently. The bullshit did fly at this speech, which focused on the theme of “sacrifice,” something that Bush, currently on a five-week vacation during a major war, knows little about. I’m willing to bet that Bill Moyer does, though.

Thanks to the folks at wiseass.org, you can make your own bullshit detector. Make a whole boxload; we’re gonna be wading through a lot more of it before this is all over. (via)

Not-So-Funny Funnies

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As usual, the absurdity of the world is such that the only thing that makes sense is reading the comics:

Some notes on the references:

  • Rosewood, Florida was a black town which was burned to the ground by a white mob, because a white woman alleged that she’d been sexually assaulted by a black man.
  • In 1989, Charles Stuart shot his pregnant wife through the head while driving through a black section of Boston and claimed they’d been assaulted by a black man. The cops came down on the neighborhood, randomly stopping black men and finally arresting William Bennett, a black man with a long rap sheet. When suspicion began to move away from Bennett to Stuart, Stuart committed suicide.
  • Susan Smith was convicted for murdering her two sons by driving her car into a lake. She initially told the police that a black man had carjacked the automobile and drove away with the children, inspiring a hunt for the “killer” before the truth came out.

    • And, of course, we know the story of the “Runaway Bride.”

    This strip, from Matt Bors, says just about everything that needs to be said about the attempts by the religious right to “re-educate us” in the name of the Lord.

Consumer Reports: What's the Best Religion?

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Untitled document Courtesy of Fade to Black magazine, the issue of which is the path to Almighty God is finally settled in a scientific, objective manner. As an atheist, it looks like I'm screwed. That's okay, though. I'm used to it.

Christianity
This is by far was the most popular belief among the aborigines people, with more than 2 out 4 preferring it. The concept of a loving god, was easy to understand, since it bore some semblance to their god "Khatimi" , the god of 'big shiny things'. This belief was so favorable among the tribesmen that a few even made a small donation to the Robert Schuller Ministries at the end of their two weeks' trial.

Muslim
Although not very popular it did appeal to a few of the aborigines. Ironically the few tribesmen who chose the Muslim religion soon got into an altercation with those who preferred Judaism. The dispute was over the territorial right of the grass hut in which they were living. The tribesmen who choose the Muslim religion claimed they were in it first.

Atheism
Although ranking high on our scholarly section, this belief was not preferred by any of our testers. The concept of life being meaningless and with no hope of an after life, left most of the tribesmen desponded and depressed, with a few actually needing short term therapy, after the four week trial.

Unitarian Jihad

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Jon Carroll of the San Francisco Chronicle has posted a manifesto from a terrifying… I mean, very frightening… well, actually, kinda sweet but boring new group of religious militants, the Unitarian Jihad. Beware!

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for “balance” by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.

By the way, according to this, my name in the Unitarian Jihad is The Katana of Forgiveness.

Dream-House Jesus

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jcdollIf the sanctified, soon-to-be-beatified corpse of Pope John Paul II isn’t cute and cuddly enough for you, the Beverly Hills Teddy Bear Company will soon release a Barbie-sized doll of Jesus “Son of God, Bee-Yotch!” Christ that not only takes the image of the Christian Messiah, but will also quote Scripture at the push of a button:

Also part of the series are Barbie-size Moses, David and Virgin Mary dolls, being developed by the Beverly Hills Teddy Bear Co. in Valencia, which already markets a teddy bear that sings “Jesus Loves Me.”

“It’s been on my heart to do these for at least three or four years,” said the company’s founder and executive officer David Socha. “We are targeting the inspirational market, to do good things for children, something that adds to their quality of life and doesn’t corrupt their minds. Our company has always created very conservative products.”

I can’t help but think of some unintended consequences of this approach. For instance: how long will Mary remain a Virgin? Everyone I know who had dolls or “action figures” wound up at some point making little orgies with them. Will Mary and Esther wind up consummating a forbidden love together? Will Jesus take up with that hussy Barbie in her famed Malibu Beach House of Sin? Or will he go the other way and cruise WeHo with Ken?

Maybe none of the above. Perhaps doll-Jesus will convince Barb and the rest to give up their wicked ways and come to the Lord. Time will tell.

Barbie on the Cross

Are You Embarassed by Your President?

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Add outraged and fearful and sickened and appalled, and you have my feelings about George W. Bush in a nutshell. It goes beyond simply disagreeing with the man; the only way that he knows how to express himself is through cheap, arrogant bullying that represents the worst in the American character. He seems to be guided by a sense of entitlement and autocracy that belongs nowhere in a constitutional democracy. Listening to his speeches and watching his implementation of policy, the first thing that comes to mind is Cornelius Vanderbilt’s famous exclamation: “Law? What do I care about the law. Hain’t I got the power?”

Some people with my same feelings and more wit have taken the initiative to declare April 1, 2004 National “I’m Embarrassed By My President” Day. To commemorate the day, they’re asking everyone to wear a brown ribbon or armband to signify their distaste for the loads of hot, steaming bullshit that have been flooding out of the Bush White House. This is a fucking great idea, in my book. Show your outrage and your embarrassment at the same time — wear that brown!