People who want to write off atheists have developed a familiar whine:Â “Oh, they just act like another kind of fundamentalist…..”
No, assholes. Here’s what it would be like if we acted like fundamentalists.
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Now playing: Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – Stagger Lee
This might not be, as the caption implies, how all Americans view the world — I at least can hold out that much hope for my country — but it’s a pretty damn accurate portrait of how those who own the country see it.
(Pic found on Demonbaby.com, via the almighty Echidne.)
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Now playing: Television – Little Johnny Jewel
"Stick Magnetic Ribbons on Your SUV," by the Asylum Street Spankers. (Thanks to Adam for spotting this.)
The Weekly World News has been one of the most famous and extravagant sources of urban mythology for years. Whereas respectable papers like the New York Times deal with a world that seems increasingly insane by presenting themselves as dignified bulwarks of reason, the WWW doesn't even make the effort. It seems to have been founded with the idea of not only hurling itself into the madness of modern life, but encouraging it. Where would our pop culture be today without the mythic adventures of Batboy or the continuing travels of Elvis? The Weekly World News's headlines have a jagged beauty to them; the vigor with which they insist that they print "nothing but the truth" makes the innate dadaism of their stories that much richer. In some psychological sense, the stories about Bat Boy and P'lod could be true. Certainly, they seem to say something real about the darker, more fragmented corners of the American psyche.
Which brings us to the following headline, which has to be one of the Weekly World News's true moments of genius, and one of the best pieces of satire of the GWB years. Except, of course, that it's true:
GYPSY CURSE TURNS ENTIRE SUPREME COURT BENCH LIBERAL
CARAVAN, Calif. — A gypsy curse has transformed conservative Supreme Court justices into liberals, leaving GOP leaders howling like werewolves.
This assumes, of course, that such behavior is unusual for said leaders. And that they're not actually werewolves. Based on the behavior of the party for the last thirty years, I consider the jury to be out on the latter question.
"This is obviously a huge blow to the party, not to mention the United States of America," said North Carolina Republican Senator Kurt Krewcut, 56. "Those lifetime liberal justices could hand down decisions that'll have us living in the land of the 'freak' and the home of the 'bong.'"
The curse came about after the Supreme Court ruled against a band of gypsies. The Romanian expatriates were suing the city of Caravan, Calif., for discrimination and harassment.
"I could see several of those justices looking down their noses at us in court," said Syeira Purrum, 82. "After the verdict, I stood up and said, 'Many of you have no hearts. Well tomorrow they will bleed.' "
Purrum was taken into custody by police who mistook her comments as a death threat. Her words took on a different meaning, however, when staunch conservative justices awoke the next morning as "bleeding heart" liberals.
I can hardly wait for the rulings.
Following a brief panic and prayer sessions, Republicans have been seeking to win favor with the gypsies, making frequent visits to camps across the country and handing out 'We are the Gypsy's Own Party' buttons.
Quick to adapt, GOP strategists are looking beyond this crisis to seek out other groups associated with magic and spells, such as witches and wizards.
"Just think of it," said Krewcut. "Spells that turn African- Americans into whites, make gays become straight and transform liberal slime into hardworking, God-fearing Republicans.
Harry Potter may have a nice, comfy job waiting for him when he graduates from Hogwart's. Although really, it seems more like a job for Draco Malfoy.
"We'd make a deal with the Devil himself if that hadn't worked out so badly for us with Dick Nixon."
Of course we all knew about this — it was well documented by Hunter S. Thompson and others. But it's nice that they're finally coming clean about it. Or does that just mean that they're feeling especially brazen?
Although I have neither the specific life experiences of Mimi in New York nor her skills, the chutzpah and contempt for the modern workplace she shows here make this the cover letter I would love to send. It's a masterful bit of self-parody and an attack on our corporate masters wrapped into one:
Unfortunately, I don't possess any prior knowledge of Quark Express and have only recently discovered how to work the spell check on MS Word, but I can text up to 20 words per minute using predictive text, and always sport a well manicured bikini area, whilst I have also developed an unerring talent for tolerating those itchy, spangly g-strings comprised mainly of plastic sequins. My people skills have been impeccably honed due to two years spent on various large sailing yachts with multiple stinking, farting men, and combined with 14 months grinding corporate cock, I feel perfectly qualified to work within the high-stress, male-dominated atmosphere of Corporate America. I have an ability to compromise, perfected from the lengthy and demanding negotiations involved in my former employment (eg "Give me a blow job", "No, fuck off", "Give me a hand job", "No, fuck off", "Give me a lapdance", "OK") and yet a steely determination of where my goals are and how to achieve them ("It's 850 bucks for a private room, no fucking freebies").
Finally, Stephen Elliot, at the Huffington Post, has the nerve to ask the question that everyone’s been asking themselves, but none of us have the nerve to say out loud: Can the War on Christmas be won? When the last Santa Claus is either lying in a puddle of his own blood or being waterboarded in Camp X-Ray, when the creches have been turned into altars for our Satanic master, what will we have won? Will it all have been worth it, in the end? Will the country have the courage to acknowledge the brave men and women who have liberated them from jolly old men in red suits and endlessly saccharine Christmas carols?
We can only hope so. Until then…
Happy Holidays, comrades.
All the internet quizzes around usually bore the shit out of me, but I really liked this one from the New Humanist magazine:
You are one of life’s enjoyers, determined to get the most you can out of your brief spell on Earth. Probably what first attracted you to atheism was the prospect of liberation from the Ten Commandments, few of which are compatible with a life of pleasure. You play hard and work quite hard, have a strong sense of loyalty and a relaxed but consistent approach to your philosophy.
You can’t see the point of abstract principles and probably wouldn’t lay down your life for a concept though you might for a friend. Something of a champagne humanist, you admire George Bernard Shaw for his cheerful agnosticism and pursuit of sensual rewards and your Hollywood hero is Marlon Brando, who was beautiful, irascible and aimed for goodness in his own tortured way.
Sometimes you might be tempted to allow your own pleasures to take precedence over your ethics. But everyone is striving for that elusive balance between the good and the happy life. You’d probably open another bottle and say there’s no contest.
The Onion, in their deviousness, will never admit that this article is about me, but I know it is. They’ve changed the name of the student and the school, but it’s me, just the same. In the heady days of the late eighties/early nineties, when the Simpsons were the new kids on the block, Kurt Cobain was between his first hit and blowing his head off, the US had taken part in only one war in Iraq, and we were innocent enough to think that Republicans couldn’t possibly get more venal than George Herbert Walker Bush, I went to Moorpark College in an attempt to undo all the damage that I’d done to my academic record during high school. While I was there, I took Beginning Ethics and Philosophy 101, both from a teacher named Mike Rosenthal, who is apparently still there. And yes, boys and girls, I was that asshole who kept his hand in the air and was always interrogating the teacher about some point or other.
The Onion: Guy in Philosophy Class Needs to Shut the Fuck Up
At long last, my past has caught up with me.
“I was much happier in previous existences when I wrote plays, composed music, conquered nations, discovered continents and developed cures for diseases,” he said at a press conference. “I only took my present form because Bingodulla, whom all Scientologists worship as the Supreme Thetan, selected me to spread the gospel of Scientology to the glib, uninformed masses.”
